you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
