I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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