I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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