I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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