those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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