I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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