She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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