The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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