drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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