I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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