First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
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