I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you inspire me to be a worse person
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
