i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
