I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
