After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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