I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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