If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
