I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
