mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
