Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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