One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
