I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
