I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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