God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
