My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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