I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
