Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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