I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
