Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
