just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
