Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
