He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
