Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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