Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
