just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
