Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
