you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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