i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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