Where did you get a picture of my penis
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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