Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
