dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we're making bets on your personal life
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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