new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
