Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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