i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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