i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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