If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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