i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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