Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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