I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
