I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
