i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
